The Worst Fanfiction of all Time Part 1
by Dr. Jimface
Summary: As part of my evil plot, I've uploaded this as a torture device.  Once you're writhing in agony, I'll take over the world!  MWAHAHAHA!  Have a nice day!
1. Prologue

Prologue

It started out as a normal day in the Mushroom Kingdom, with Mario wearing red, Luigi wearing green, and Peach wearing pink. Actually, what would be more normal would be Peach wearing green. Green was her favorite color, and the only reason she wore pink was because of Mario. Mario had a bizarre fetish for pink clothes that even he couldn't explain. Some people liked breasts. Others liked feet. Mario liked pink things. In any case, two horrible things happened that day. One was that the coffee was cold. The other was that the Beanstar was once again stolen. When the Mario brothers heard of this, Mario spit out his cold coffee in surprise, and Luigi accidentally performed a super jump, and ended up with his head in the ceiling. When Luigi was pulled down, Mario immediately leaped to the task of rescuing the Beanstar again. And that, friends, is where our story begins…..


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

"I'll just leave you to move that while I deal with…..princess stuff," said Peach as she went to change into a green dress, as she always did when Mario was gone. Two toads were moving an extremely large lump of ice.

"This is r-really h-heavy," said one of the toads.

"Yep," replied the other one, trying to concentrate on moving the lump of ice. "ACK!" he shouted as he tripped, causing the entire block of ice to fall on its side.

Suddenly, a large crack appeared in the ice. A pink fist punched its way out of the mini-glacier. The entire thing shuddered, then exploded as an anthropomorphic pink pig burst out of its freezing prison. It had an armadillo-like shell around it, as well as two large tusks. It thumped its chest as it bellowed, "MUH MUH MUH! FOOLISH KOOPA, YOU CANNOT-" he paused. "Wait. Bowser is not here. This means he is somewhere else. But where is this somewhere else that is not here?"

"Um, e-excuse me, Mr. Large P-Pink Pig thing?" said one of the toads, who was absolutely terrified. The large pink pig whirled around and thumped its chest again. "TASTE MY WRATH, BOW- Oh. You are not Bowser." He looked around. "Where is this place?"

"W-well, we're in P-Princess Peach's castle," said the toad, still very scared.

"Then where are the trashmen?" asked the still-very-large pig.

"Um, the t-trashmen?"

"Yes, the trashmen. The trashmen that trashed my trash robot that failed to trash the trashmen. Those trashmen."

The toad looked blank. "The mustaches," said the now-annoyed-still-very-large pig. The toad still had no idea what he was talking about. "RED AND GREEN!" shouted the now-rather-angry-still-very-large pig. "OH!" said the toad, who now knew what in the Mushroom Kingdom he was talking about. "W-well, the Mario B-Bros. are traveling to the B-Beanbean Kingdom to secure the B-Beanstar." "MUH MUH MUH! If that is where they are, then I shall stop them!"

"Wait!" said the toad. "What is your name?"

" Muh muh muh…." Said the pig. "My name is Midbus." With that, he rolled into a ball and rolled away.

Elsewhere, a plane was landing in the Beanbean Kingdom. Mario and Luigi climbed out to see Queen Bean, Lady Lima, and Prince Peasley. "OH HO HO!" laughed Queen Bean, and jumped, propelling everyone into the air as she landed, save Peasley. He had the foresight to fly on his winged bean thing. "Greetings, Mario Brothers. To what do we owe this honor?"

The aforementioned brothers looked confused. "Um, didn't you call us because the Beanstar had been stolen?" asked Luigi. For once, a frown was on Prince Peasley's face. "The Beanstar is completely safe. We've upgraded our security systems. We have weapons, the old lasers around the Beanstar itself, guards, and security cameras. We can show you if you want."

The Mario Brothers agreed, and Prince Peasley turned off the security systems as the five of them walked to the Beanstar's sanctuary. Mario picked up the star, examining it, when a purple blur rushed by, taking the star. Everyone's eyes widened. They ran after the blur for about ten minutes, until it stopped to reveal a very familiar figure. He had a purple bandana, hat, and shirt, as well as brown pants. His eyes glowed yellow through his bandana. A large toothy grin was on his face.

"I'll be taking this, see?"


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"I'll be taking this, see?"

The thief said this as he clutched the Beanstar in his grabby little hands. Mario and Luigi knew exactly who this weirdo was. Everyone else was kind of clueless.

"Popple!" exclaimed Mario, brandishing his hammer.

"I prefer to be called the Shadow Thief!" said Popple, kind of annoyed.

"Who?" was everyone else's response.

"You're too late, Mario Brothers!" shouted Popple, still irritated, but willing to move on for drama. "I've already got this…..whatchamahoozit, see!" at this he held up the Beanstar. No one grabbed it, because logic has no place in the Mushroom World.

"It's the Beanstar, you fool!" exclaimed Luigi, being a complete idiot. "It can grant any wish, and – darn it!" he yelled, figuring out his mistake. Everyone else facepalmed.

"So that's what this thingy is, huh?" asked Popple, who clearly didn't know this. "I just thought it was pretty, and it would sell for a lot!"

". . ."

Mario cleared his throat. "We won't let you get away with this!" with that, a weird yellow star thing flew into everyone's vision. When the star thing vanished, a battle had started.

"Why does that always happen, anyway?" asked Popple. "I have no idea." Replied Luigi. "Whatever. Let's get this over with!" Popple picked up a large sack of money, and threw it at Mario, who didn't see this coming. Suffice it to say that many little Popples were flying around his head. Also, he was knocked out.

"Um. That's new," commented Luigi as he looked at his fallen brother.

"And if you think that _that's _bad, try _this!_" Popple shouted as he threw a wad of cash at Luigi. Luigi simply stepped two feet to the side. Popple had no response to this.

Suddenly, Prince Peasley flew in on his magical flying bean thingy, and pulled out his sword. He proceeded to stab Popple five or six….no, seven…..okay, _fifteen_ times, before slashing him, propelling Popple backwards.

"Enough of this, see?" yelled Popple, rather annoyed at this turn of events. He held up the Beanstar. "Beanstar, I wish for you to destroy these three palookas!" everyone braced themselves.

…..Nothing happened.

"What?" yelled Popple, who was getting increasingly desperate to escape alive. "This thing's supposed to grant my wishAAAHHHH!" he exclaimed as he was run over by a large armadillo shell. By this time, Mario had recovered. The shell unrolled to reveal a very tired-looking Midbus.

"M-mustaches!" he panted. "Th-this is the e-end! Prepare to m-meet your d-doom!" with that, he promptly passed out.

"Well, THAT was certainly unexpected," commented Mario, who could not hold the happiness he felt at having Midbus return. He had always hoped that they would become friends, or even more than that. Maybe it was just his pink fetish reacting to Midbus' skin color.

"Um," this came from a very embarrassed-looking Lady Lima. Everyone looked in her direction. "It seems as though our security systems have been tampered with."

"WHAT?" everyone gasped, although this was not very surprising. The security systems used to be turned off when the plumbing was fixed. Mario's theory was that it was a budget issue. Popple got up, feeling rather dizzy.

"Does that mean that this is a fake Beanstar?" asked Luigi as he picked up said fake Beanstar.

"Yes," replied Lady Lima, looking very sheepish. "Our security systems were fed a loop of absolutely nothing going on. We're about to see what really happened. Everyone followed Lady Lima into a room with computers all over the wall, each showing a feed from different security cameras. "Now let's see what happened," said Lady Lima as she pressed a button on a keyboard.

What was shown was a completely normal scene, with the Beanstar being protected by two guards. Suddenly, a man teleported in above the Beanstar. He had short, bone-white hair and gold lenses which Mario knew looked similar to Grodus'. He had a black cape covering most of his body. Under his cape was a purple tuxedo with a red tie. His face had skin that was entirely black.

"BERGALERGALERG!" he laughed as he teleported in. The two Beanish guards faced him.

"And just who are you?" snarled one of the guards. The reason for his rudeness was a policy that stated "those persons visiting the Beanstar must take the stairs like a normal person."

The man's head turned _all the way around_ and turned bright red.

"WHO DARES SPEAK TO THE GREAT LORD SMERGENFLOV?" he bellowed.

"That would be me," replied the guard dryly.

The man's head turned around again, and was once again black.

"You will pay for your insolence, impudent one called me!" he yelled. "What do call a line of 180 rabbits that take one step backward simultaneously?"

The guards looked very confused. "Um, I don't know, what?"

"A receding hareline!" with this, the man snapped his fingers, and a large group of colossal rabbits appeared and started running backwards, trampling the guards in no time flat. (No pun intended)

"BERGALERGALERGALERG!" laughed the man as he picked up the Beanstar. "Fools. It would do you well to fear Lord Smergenflov," with this, he teleported away.

"Well," said Lady Lima. "That would explain the fake Beanstar."

"SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT!" yelled Popple. "I led the Mario Brothers here to get the Beanstar, KO'd Mario, and would have won, but SOMEONE STOLE IT BEFORE I COULD?"

"You led us here?" exclaimed Luigi.

"Uh, yeah, kinda," said Popple. "I sent false information that the Beanstar was stolen, knowing you would come here, disabling the security systems. Then, I would take the Beanstar and escape."

"That….was actually a good plan," said Mario, impressed.

"But what do we do now?" asked Lady Lima. "All we know is this man's name."

"He didn't appear to be very subtle," said Mario. "We should keep our eyes open for anything suspicious. Just tell the citizens of the Beanbean Kingdom to tell us if anything happens. That's all we can really do for now."

"All right, but what was that pig thing?" asked Peasley. He smirked. "You seemed happy to see him."

Mario turned bright red. "That is….um…."

"Speaking of Midbus," Luigi interrupted, much to his brother's relief. "We should deal with him.

Elsewhere, a man was grinning at his prize, a green smiling star. He smiled at how easy it was to steal such an artifact. This was going to be simple. "Fools," he said, still smiling. "Once everything is ready, no one will be able to stop me. BERGALERGALERGALERG!"


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter 3:

Midbus drowsily rolled over. He sat up and groaned. What on Earth had happened to give him such a headache? Where was he? He looked around. It wasn't nearly as bad as he would have thought. A bed, a sink, bars, a bucket….. Wait, bars?

"BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" screamed Midbus as he flung himself at the bars. _Now _he remembered. He followed the mustaches to the Beanbean Kingdom to avenge his trashbot. Red and green. He smiled as he remembered Mario. Mario was such a nice name. "Mario." He shook his head. Now was no time for ridiculous fantasizing! He spotted a guard.

"Let me out!" he called.

"Can't," said the Beanish guard. "Queen's orders."

"Fine," said Midbus, his hand drifting towards the guard's head while the guard was turned around. "Where are the mustaches and the queen?"

"In the throne room," he replied.

"Thank you," said Midbus, punching the guard in the back of the head. The guard fell down, very much unconscious. Midbus smashed through the bars and casually strolled to the throne room. The queen was speaking.

"But how are we to find this Lord Smergenflov?" she inquired, doubtful.

"He doesn't seem to be particularly subtle," said Mario. "We wait until we hear word of him attacking again, and we head to the place where he was seen last."

"All right…" said the queen. "There's just one problem."

"What's that?" asked Mario.

"_What if he doesn't show up again?_" exclaimed the queen, jumping up and blasting everyone into the air as she came down.

"The bad guy always shows up multiple times," said Luigi, picking himself up off the ground. "It's just the way these things work."

"But what if-" started the queen.

Midbus, entering the room, jumped up and propelled the _queen_ up into the air, throwing Luigi into the ceiling in the process. Luigi sighed. Loudly.

"The mustache knows what to do in these situations," said Midbus. "We should listen to him."

"All right," replied the queen, fearful of being propelled into the air again. "We shall do as the mustache- I mean Mario says."

The next several days were uneventful, with the queen laughing, Luigi jumping into ceilings, and Midbus and Mario looking at each other often. Eventually, a report came in from a new restaurant that Smergenflov had been sighted. He had apparently been attacking a comedian, but he had been driven off.

"WAIT JUST A MINUTE," said Mario. "A _RESTAURANT _COULD FEND OFF THE GUY, BUT YOU COULDN'T?"

"We had some budget problems," said Lady Lima, embarrassed. Mario facepalmed.

"All right then," said Mario when the restaurant in question had been located. "Who wants to join us in defeating Smergenflov?"

"I will," said Peasley.

"I'm coming too, see?" added Popple.

"As am I," added Midbus gruffly.

"Popple? Midbus?" asked Mario, confused. "You're coming too?"

"That Beanstar is MINE, see?" said Popple angrily. "This nutcase isn't stealing my treasure!"

"Beanstar is Lord Fawful's property," said Midbus. "Smergenflov will not steal it."

Mario shrugged. "All right, then," he said. "Let's go!"

When they arrived at the restaurant, they discovered that comedians told lousy jokes on a stage while people were eating. They questioned the comedian whom Smergenflov tried to kidnap, who was the Chuckola Cola maker, Bubbles. Bubbles said that they should just lay low until Smergenflov showed up, for Smergenflov said he would come back. As the five heroes were eating, the lights suddenly went dark.

"Ladies and gentleman, it is my pleasure to present….." proclaimed a familiar voice. "Lord Smergenflov!" With that, a spotlight shone down on Smergenflov, looking very happy to be here. "A neutron walks into a bar and asks 'how much for a drink?'" joked Smergenflov. "The bartender says 'for you? No CHARGE!'" With that, he blasted the entire restaurant with lightning, knocking most of the patrons out in the process. "Bubbles? Where are you, bubbles?" he sang as he flew over the tables, searching for the Beanish comedian.

"Oh, dear," said Mario, absolutely stupefied with how easily he had beaten the restaurant.

_To be continued….._

Author's note: HA! I gave you a cliffhanger! How does THAT feel? Huh? Now you have to wait to find out what happens next! You're all doomed! Have a nice day!


	5. Chapter 3 and a half

Chapter 3 1/2

"Bubbles? Where are you, Bubbles?" sang Lord Smergenflov as he flew over the tables of the restaurant, searching for the Beanish comedian.

"Oh, dear," said Mario, absolutely stupefied with how easily blah blah blah entire restaurant.

"You aren't escaping this time, Bubbles," laughed the villain as he scanned the restaurant. "You are trying our patience," he growled as his head spun around and turned red. "Oh, be quiet," scolded Smergenflov, his head once again jet black. "Ah, what's this?" he laughed as a table in the near vicinity lifted into the air, revealing a cowering Bubbles.

"You. Smergenflov. You go no further." Midbus had stood up and was facing the cheery villain. "Beanstar is Lord Fawful's. TASTE MY WRATH!"

"What did the buffalo say to his son as he headed to college?" questioned Smergenflov without turning around.

"What?" said Midbus, who had not seen the video of Smergenflov's pun-induced power.

"BYE SON!" yelled Smergenflov, whirling around and waving his arms. A herd of buffalo ran through the restaurant, clearing all the tables, causing people to flee, barely missing Midbus, and exposing Mario, Luigi, Popple, and Peasley. "And who might you five be?" asked Smergenflov casually.

"We'll never tell you, you scoundrel!" yelled Luigi. "Surrender now or be beaten painfully!"

"Very well," replied the comedically cruel man. "But I insist on introducing myself." His head turned red. "I am General Smergenflov," he said gruffly. "I am Dr. Smergenflov," he giggled with glee as his head turned around and became green. "My name is Sir Smergenflov," proclaimed the villain, his head now the same shade of white as his hair. "Professor Smergenflov, at your service," said the now calm and charismatic Smergenflov, his head turned blue. "And we are Lord Smergenflov," finished Smergenflov, his head now returned to its original black.

"S-surrender!" said Luigi weakly, now terrified of the man's ever-revolving head.

"I'd rather not, thanks," replied Professor Smergenflov. "In America, Chuck Norris beats people up," said Lord Smergenflov.

"What's America?" inquired Mario.

"In Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris _still_ beats people up!" shouted Smergenflov in triumph, snapping his fingers. Suddenly, the entire group of heroes as well as Smergenflov was in an area that they could only think was Soviet Russia. Whatever that was.

"Hey that was pretty impressAAAAACK!" exclaimed Luigi as a surprisingly well-done roundhouse kick was delivered unto Luigi's face from Lord Smergenflov. The six of them were then teleported back into the restaurant.

"I'd love to stay, but I have urgent business to attend to," said Smergenflov, turning to face Bubbles, who hadn't moved at all. "Bubbles, my friend," said Smergenflov. "What do you call a joke told at a marathon?"

"W-what?" asked a shaking Bubbles.

"A running gag!" exclaimed Smergenflov, grabbing Bubbles and becoming a blur as he ran out the door as unheard of speeds.

"….Well, that went badly," said Peasley, a bit embarrassed by how quickly that had happened.

"You think?" said Popple, glaring at the Beanish prince.

Elsewhere, Lord Smergenflov and Bubbles stood in front of the Beanstar. Lord Smergenflov handed the Bean a piece of paper. "Do you know what these are?" he said.

"Jokes?" replied the comedian, confused.

"Correct!" exclaimed Smergenflov. "Now read them!"

"Er, okay," said Bubbles, facing Smergenflov. "What do you call-"

"Not to me, you moron!" exclaimed Smergenflov. "To the star!"

"What do you call-" joked Bubbles facing the star.

"Not now!" Shouted Smergenflov. "Wait until after the chapter ends. That will create tension."

"What are you talking about?" said Bubbles, incredibly confused.

**END OF CHAPTER **


	6. Chapter 4

Smergenflov jumped to the side. He rolled to the other side, barely dodging the green projectile. He ducked, dodged, rolled, jumped, and was smacked around for about ten minutes before his green assailant finally stopped moving. Smergenflov was annoyed. He had tried to use the jokes on the Beanstar for 3 weeks with no results. The only thing he had discovered was how much it hurt when the Beanstar flew into your nose. He had done everything he had supposed to. Why wasn't it working? He furrowed his brow, deep in thought. A lightbulb suddenly appeared above his head. Of course! Why hadn't he thought of this before? The evil comedian laughed cruelly as he teleported out of the room.

"He hasn't shown up for weeks, what makes you think he'll show up now?!" exclaimed Lady Lima, exasperated.

"I have to agree with Lady Lima, Mario Bros." said the Queen Bean. "We've seen neither head nor foot of Smergenflov since he kidnapped Bubbles,"

"I don't think that's the right expression," whispered Luigi to Mario.

"Shush," replied Mario, thinking. "I'm sorry, queen, but we don't have anything to go off of. We need for him to show himself in order to attack him."

The queen sighed. "All right, but I'm beginning to doubt your effectiveness. Smergenflov overcame the five of you with no difficulties at all,"

Just then, a toad came running through the door, looking very tired. "M-M-M-MARIOOOOOO!" he shouted, clearly panicking.

"What is it?" asked Mario, confused. "And how did you get here?"

"I ran," said the toad.

"Across the border?!" exclaimed Mario incredulously. The toad held up an energy drink. "…..Oh."

"Princess Peach has been kidnapped!" he exclaimed. "By some kook in a suit!"  
>"How many kooks in suits do we know?" asked Luigi.<p>

"He called himself 'Lord Smorky-flu,'" added the toad.

"Well, now we know what Smergenflov's been doing," said Mario tiredly.

"Let's get the palooka!" exclaimed Popple.

"He teleported away," said the toad, raining on Popple's parade.

Elsewhere, Princess Peach stood in a large throne room with Lord Smergenflov. She remembered this place, all right. Her memories weren't very pleasant. She was now in a pink dress, courtesy of Lord Smergenflov. The Beanstar floated in front of her, smiley as ever.

"We'll see if you have any luck with these," said Lord Smergenflov, who had given her the jokes to read.

"I mustache you a question, but I'll shave it for later," read Peach, shaking.

What happened next can only be described as unnatural. The Beanstar became like liquid, and changed shape slightly, to become more round. Smergenflov grinned toothily at what he knew what the final piece in his plan. The jokes continued, on and on for what seemed like hours, the Beanstar changing all the while.

"Stop!" commanded Smergenflov after some time. "That will do, Princess Peach. Your part in my plan is over," his head turned around and became blue. "Please make yourself comfortable while I deal with some evil business," with that, he teleported away.

Peach regarded the Beanstar apprehensively. It was no longer a star. It was an orb, a floating orb with a black circle facing her. It was an eye, a green eye that gave off an air of malevolence. Princess Peach looked around to check no one was there.

"Beanstar," she whispered. "Can you grant me a wish?"

The Beanstar stared at her silently, but in her head, Princess Peach heard a single word. _Yes…._


	7. Chapter 5

_Beep! Beep! _Mario looked up to see an orange exclamation point above his head. Below him, a blue box read "you got an email!" everyone was confused, save Mario, who had had this happen to him numerous times before. He opened his Mailbox SP to find an email from Princess Peach. He, naturally, opened the email.

_Mario. I don't have much time. The Beanstar is with me. Some kook named Lord Smorky-Flu kidnapped me and forced me to read jokes to it. It's….changed. I have to go before Smorky-Flu finds me sending this message. I'm in the Palace of Shadow._

_Peach._

"THE PALACE OF SHADOW?!" exclaimed Mario and Luigi when the email was read aloud.

"The what?" was everyone else's response.

"The Palace of Shadow is where Princess Peach was temporarily possessed by a demon," explained Luigi.

"THE PALACE OF SHADOW?!" exclaimed everyone who didn't know what the Palace of Shadow was before. Mario and Luigi facepalmed.

"I guess we're taking a boat to Rogueport," said Mario, determined. "We won't let Smergenflov get away this time!"

"Huzzah!" exclaimed Prince Peasley.

"That Beanstar's _ours,_ see?" said Popple.

"Let's get him, bro!" added Luigi.

"For Lord Fawful!" finished Midbus.

On the boat to Rogueport, Midbus and Mario were in one room, while everyone else was shoved in another. The silence between Mario and Midbus was rather awkward, given their feelings for each other.

"Mustache?" Midbus finally said quietly.

"Yes, Midbus?" replied Mario.

"What will you do after this is over?"

"I suppose things will go back to normal."

"Mustache?"

"Yes, Midbus?"

"Perhaps…Perhaps we can be….friends?" Mario started. This was everything he had wanted since he had met Midbus.

"Absolutely, Midbus."

"Do you think….we can be more than friends?"

"That would be nice," said Mario as he leaned in.

"Thank you….mustache….." replied Midbus as he leaned in as well.

"What do you think Mario and Midbus are doing?" inquired Peasley.

"Probably making out," snickered Popple. Ironically, this was exactly what they were doing. There have been several kisses that have been seen as the strangest, the most bizarre, the most unlikely to ever happen in a million million years. This one left them all behind.

Once everyone made it to Rogueport, they made a beeline for the Palace of Shadow, with Mario and Luigi at the lead. They did their best to not pay attention to any distractions and focus on the task at hand. This made it difficult to battle several goombas in their way.

Once in the Palace of Shadow, they went through every room possible, until they had ruled out every room except the throne room. Once they entered this, they found Smergenflov sitting in midair, staring at the Beanstar thoughtfully, as if something was wrong. Mario was confused. The Beanstar looked fine. It hadn't changed at all. Peach was floating, seemingly imprisoned, behind Smergenflov, looking very unhappy. Suddenly, Smergenflov turned his attention to the heroes with a wide grin on his face. He floated to the ground.

"Well, well, well," he said cheerily. "You five just don't give up, now, do you? I suppose you want a battle?" his head turned red. "Well, who am I to disappoint?" he said darkly. His head started to rotate faster and faster. "Prepare to be destroyed." His body started to rotate as well, until he resembled a black tornado. The others stood, shocked, as four twisters diverged from the original, making a total of five vortexes. Suddenly, they stopped spinning as one, revealing five Smergenflovs, each one's head a different color. "Let the games begin," they said in perfect unison.


	8. Chapter 6

"Let the games begin," this was what all five Smergenflovs said in unison. Without another thought, they attacked. General Smergenflov tackled Midbus, Professor Smergenflov engaged Peasley, Dr. Smergenflov attacked Luigi, and Sir Smergenflov charged at Popple, leaving Mario to battle Lord Smergenflov.

Midbus curled up into a ball and charged at General Smergenflov. The general lit his hand on fire and punched him back, sending Midbus sprawling. Smergenflov then leapt into the air and blasted fireballs at Midbus. Midbus retaliated by throwing a large metal ball on a chain at the red-headed villain. Smergenflov was sent down to the ground, where he only managed to fend off Midbus' body slam by blasting him with the hottest flame. Midbus, enraged, smacked his fists together. His shell became furry, he sported a gold crown, and his skin was blue. He had become Blizzard Midbus. Mario had seen this while dodging a demonic razor, and called to Midbus.

"Midbus?"

"Yes, mustache?" Midbus replied, freezing a barrage of fireballs.

"I think we should see other people,"

Midbus was shocked. He stood there, dumbfounded, allowing him to be blasted backward by a flaming kick to the face. "BRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" he yelled as he froze the general on the spot. This attack had such force that it propelled the frozen villain into Sir Smergenflov, allowing him to be susceptible to a money bag attack from Popple.

"Thanks, Midbus!" called Popple.

"Do not mention it," Midbus replied gruffly, his heart breaking.

Peasley flew on his winged bean, dodging Professor Smergenflov's frozen projectiles. He stabbed the intellectual several times before parrying a swing from Smergenflov's frozen fist. Suddenly, Smergenflov stomped the ground, and a geyser tore through the floor, directly hitting Peasley and soaking the wings of his bean, rendering him unable to fly.

"That was an impressive trick," complimented Peasley, brandishing his sword.

"Thank you," replied Smergenflov. "And you are an impressive swordsman,"

"Shall we test our respective fencing abilities?" proposed Peasley.

"Very well," said Smergenflov, conjuring a sword of ice. "We duel in silence!" and duel they did. Peasley was gaining the upper hand at first, but then Smergenflov created a cloud of mist and proceeded to liquefy himself and solidify himself, slashing Peasley with his sword each time. Peasley frantically tried to parry these swings, but it was futile. As a last resort, he flipped his hair, creating a flash of light. He heard a scream of pain from Smergenflov as the mist disappeared. Now knowing where his target was, Peasley dealt a final blow to the villain, knocking him out.

Luigi flung thunderbolts in vain, missing Dr. Smergenflov time and time again. Smergenflov was apparently quite the acrobat. He was causing thin spires of stone to rise from place to place and was leaping from one to the other, flinging conjured stones at Luigi while he did so.

"Don't you ever get tired?" exclaimed Luigi as he was pelted by more stones.

"Nope! I am always energetic, always limber, and always insane!" giggled the doctor.

Luigi pulled out the Poltergust 3000 and sucked up some rocks, then propelled them back at Smergenflov, which knocked him off a spire. Luigi then blasted him with lightning, enraging the villain in the process.

"_You'll pay for that!_" shrieked the doctor, causing a small earthquake to entomb the plumber in a fissure. Luigi used a super jump to escape on accident, embedding the villain in the ceiling in the process. Smergenflov flailed about wildly for a bit, before a jolt of electricity caused him to go limp again.

Popple ran like crazy, dodging Sir Smergenflov's sword swings along with mini tornados. The evil knight sent a gust of wind at Popple, throwing him into a wall, then slashed him with his sword. Popple threw a wad of cash at Smergenflov, causing him to flinch. Seizing the opportunity, Popple swiped the villain's sword. Smergenflov was livid.

"Return my sword, honorless dog!" he shouted, throwing the thief into the air with a gust of wind.

"You don't appear to be particularly honorable yourself, airhead," Popple replied, slashing the villain with his own sword. Smergenflov summoned a twister to throw the thief off balance, stole his sword back, and cornered Popple. He raised his sword, only to be hit with a frozen general from behind, allowing him to be hit with a sack of coins by Popple.

"Thanks, Midbus!" he called.

"Do not mention it," the pig replied.

Smergenflov had had enough. "I surrender," he said as he dropped his sword.

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't end your game now, see?" said Popple.

"You'll get the Beanstar if you let me live,"

"….Fine," grumbled Popple.

Mario flung a fireball at Lord Smergenflov, which was easily dodged.

"I mustache you a question, but I'll shave it for later!" joked Smergenflov, summoning a razor with a mind of its own, determined to destroy Mario.

"We already used that joke!" yelled Peach.

"Can it!" said Smergenflov, flinging a can of soup at Peach. Peach looked miffed.

As Mario dodged the evil shaving tool, he saw Midbus change into Blizzard Midbus. All thoughts of romance instantly vanished. It was the pink fetish that had caused Mario to be attracted to Midbus, after all.

"Midbus?" called Mario.

"Yes, mustache?"

"I think we should see other people," Mario didn't look to see the expression on Midbus' face. He knew that Midbus had cared for him deeply. Forcing himself to concentrate, Mario smashed the razor with his hammer. Smergenflov, seeing this, snapped his fingers and destroyed the hammer.

"Any last words?" inquired Smergenflov smugly.

"Nope," replied Mario, jumping elaborately, causing the word "stylish" to appear. He grabbed the word, lit it on fire, did another stylish move, and smashed Smergenflov with it.

Smergenflov looked around. His Personalities had been soundly defeated. Frozen, stuck in a ceiling, blinded, and helpless.

"Surrender, Smergenflov," said Mario as the others joined him. "The jig is up,"

"Nonsense," said Smergenflov under his breath, causing his Personalities to vanish. "There's always time for one…more…_punchline!_" he exclaimed, leaping up and knocking the five of them to the floor with a punch. "No more games," he proclaimed as he gathered dark energy in his hands. "Prepare to have your games ended!"

Peach was frantic. She was imprisoned in a sphere of energy, helpless to stop Smergenflov from destroying her friends. And two enemies. She did what any sensible girl in her situation would have done. She removed all clothing on her upper half.

Every one of the heroes stared at her. Midbus looked confused, (He didn't' know what everyone was so shocked at, he was a pig thing) Peasley's eyes widened, Popple grinned, and Luigi fainted. Smergenflov turned to see what they were looking at, and lost his concentration, causing the dark energy to vanish.

"_**Princess!**_" he shouted, more shocked than pleased. "_I'm surprised at you!_"

Mario went nuts. He immediately leapt up and flew at Peach. Midbus, getting an idea, grabbed Mario by the legs and swung him around and around.

"GO! SUPER WONDER MARIO ULTIMATE FETISH PINK MEGA CANNON!" he bellowed as he threw Mario in Smergenflov's direction.

"Oh, dear," was Smergenflov's response as he turned around.

Mario plowed through Smergenflov, knocking him to the ground, and shattered the energy sphere containing Peach, pinning her to the ground. As he was falling, Smergenflov put a large two-dimensional black box around the two, much to everyone's relief.

"I think this plan has hit rock bottom," said Smergenflov, picking himself up off the ground. "Exit stage right," he summoned a magical door, and walked through, vanishing. The door disappeared as soon as he walked through it.

When Peach and Mario exited the box, much more dignified, they found that everyone else was playing Go Fish.

"We got the Beanstar!" proclaimed Mario, hoisting up said Beanstar in the air.

"Let's go back to the kingdom," Luigi said, standing up.

"OH HO HO!" laughed the queen. "You all have my deepest thanks. You have once again secured the Beanstar, saving the kingdom. We will gladly pay you 5,000 coins,"

"5,000?!" exclaimed Popple. "We won't settle for less than 50,000!"

"Why should we give you 50,000?" asked Lady Lima.

"Because I'm holding a THERMAL DETONATOR!" Popple shouted.

"….That's a stuffed koala," said Peasley.

"I know. We'll take the five,"

"Actually, Popple," interrupted Lady Lima. "You should be put in prison for attempting to steal the Beanstar in the first place,"

"Um…Look, a brick wall!" yelled Popple. When everyone looked behind them, Popple ran away.

Soon after that, things returned to normal. Mario, Luigi, and Peach returned to the Mushroom Kingdom, the Beans upgraded their security systems for the Beanstar, and Midbus left to search for Fawful. Mario hadn't had the heart to tell Midbus that Fawful was dead. The kingdoms were once again safe.

**THE E-**

HOLD IT! We're not done yet!

Smergenflov walked through a black hallway, his steps echoing throughout the silent building. He remembered the recent events with disgust. He would do better next time. Of course, he had to find what he was searching for first. It was like using a dowsing rod. He was detecting rhythmic pulses of dark power that became stronger the closer he got.

_Of course the walls here are black. Everything's black! It's impossible to tell where anything is! The walls are all identical, the windows gave no light, and every room looked the same! You'd think the torches would at least let you see, but guess what! THEY'RE BLACK TOO!_

This was what was going through his mind as he walked into a wall again, for a total of 255 times.

_WHUMP. _"OW!"

….Make that 256 times.

He entered a room where the pulses were so strong, he could feel the artifact's presence by sensing its magic trail. He had finally found it.

"I have found you!" he shouted. "Come with me, and you will finally be whole again!"

From the depths of his mind, he heard a voice.

"_Who speaks…"_


End file.
